Chapter Seven:Loss of time!

Losing time.

     One day you were in the same time as we were but then suddenly your time was off kilter from ours  separating us from each other.  I keep searching to see if we cannot find the same path  again but alas that which has a hold of your mind will not allow it.  I scream in a hateful tone how much this is so unfair.  I hate, hate, hate, and that hate can devour my very soul.  I do not want to feel hate for something I cannot touch with my hand.  How do you fight something only seen through an autopsy?  You cannot until we advance the field of science that is trying to find a cure for this horrid disease.  I want to take it in my hands and rip it to shreds as it has ripped my life into tiny pieces of chaos.  My Grandmother had this and now my Uncle and Father are its latest victims.  How come?  Why them?  WHY?  That is one word I hate and I know that I have stated that before but my hatred for the word why is growing.  Each time we lose a piece of him is more time stolen away from us that can never be recaptured.

     I barely remember how you used to be now because the time has been erased from my own mind because the new you have rewritten its self.  Time goes on leaving our imprints behind but they are fading with each step I take by your side.  Why am I losing time too?  Why does anyone have to lose time at all?  It stinks, stinks, and I want to be rid of this stench.  My tears have flowed so much in the past that they no longer are able to be released.  I'm worn like old pages of a book from a hundred years ago that time has not been kind too.  Perhaps it was not time that wasn't kind but the keeper of the book itself.  I as my own keeper have not been too kind not only to myself but to you, Father.  Is that why we are walking a path where you are losing time of yourself?  I thought all the tears were dried up and gone for good but as I sit here typing this those tears are flowing without signs of stopping.  Why?  Why?  I so want to scream until I no longer have a voice but I again corked that up.

     Do you remember when you first saw Mom?  Do you remember what went through your mind as you look up the face of your future wife?  Those are precious memories that I can never have about someone in my life because I shall never have the kind of love you both have for each other.  It is tragic that you are losing those memories.  Once gone they can never be found again and we are left without the thread to tie the past to what is yet to come.  We are walking but your steps are falling ever more behind although I have slowed my own.  Where will this path lead?  Only one place will this path lead and that is your death along with our sorrow of grief.  Why must we slowly lose you to a disease we cannot see, cannot understand, and cannot kill?  I want this disease dead forever but that won't happen in time to regain the person we are losing each day to this horrific disease.

     Slipping through the hands of time, are the memories that can never be recovered and even I am forgetting the memories of how you used to be.  Yesterday you tried to take a shower on your own but ended up falling out of the shower.  Thankfully you did not hurt yourself but my anger rose because in my heart I want you able to take a simple shower on your own.  Doing simple things is something we take advantage of until we lose the ability to do them.  I never thought that I would want you to be able to do those simple things again.  This disease took more then your memories, personality, and comprehension it took away the function of your body too.  Are you living the life you want to live?  Part of me feels that if it were me I would say, no, you are not.  How did we get here?  Can we move on from here?  Only time will tell me or not.  Life is a story we write with each breath we take and new story lines await us upon the blank pages of tomorrow.  Tomorrow we will write another piece of our story and even when you leave this world we will continue to write our story with you in it.  You are a part of our story and always will be the Father, husband, Son, and Brother we all love.  Nothing will erase that from our stories not even Alzheimer's, Dementia, or Death.

Chapter Six:Home coming!

Going home again.

     A few months have passed since we brought Dad home and that was a surprising yet strange day for me at least.  Now begins our new journey that will lead me to either actually ending up in a padded cell or wishing I were in one.  Yeah, I said that same thing twice basically there but you know what is hard to see someone you care about not remember how to work simple things he's worked for twenty years and that part scares you for two reasons.  One reason is the realization his getting worse without any hope of getting better, two is that you see just how easily you can end up upon the same path as him.

     I never thought he would admit to being a burden on us and that he should have stayed in the nursing home/rehab facility.  When did things start going backwards?  How come I can not reverse  things to make them how they used to be?  Because the law of physic's says so and that stinks.  My Father and I may not have ever truly gotten along very well but that doesn't mean that I wished something like this to attack him.  It is a full blown attack upon him taking us as victims too.

     Words flow through the pages of time lasting longer than a single breath escaping thou lips.  A memory shatters when the words become broken upon the surface of our minds eye.  My heart skips a beat while trying to hold back a flood of tears.  How much more of this path can I take?  I don't know but I won't give up nor shall I leave you alone with this.  I hate thinking you should never have come home to us because you would be better off crossing over to the other side.  To be free from this disease would be wonderful but that isn't going to happen in my lifetime nor yours sadly.  Why do we walk these awful roads?  I shall never know because I am not meant to know the answer to that question right now.  How is it that we find ourselves seeking what is out of our reach?  I want to reach the unknown world and grab the cure for you and for Mom.  She has her husbands body home but his mind is never going to return to her as it once was.  It is hard breaking knowing that you both have been together for 53 years now and she is celebrating a anniversary you cannot remember.  I want to give her the best present ever which is a fully restored husband but I can only stand by her and your side as we continue to walk this path.

Chapter Five:State of Delusions.

Road of Delusions.

    The phone rings and Mother answers it to hear my Father's voice but it is not going to be a pleasant conversation I was to find out after she hangs up with tears following down her cheeks.  My Father called to say, 'I'm alive and I mean literally we had some bombs go off and someone is trying to kill me.'  My Father whom is a rehab facility is recovering from a shatter femur bone near the hip.  My mind went into overdrive mode and then crashed into the wall of despair for which I have been finding myself running into allot these days.  How can this be happening?  Simple, it is.  Why?  There is no answer for that and I'm trying to understand that there never will be a true answer to why.  A hard life or easy one is always filled with both good and bad in it because no one is immune but when you feel that life is always a hard one you want to have a time when it becomes a bit easier.  I'm not asking for a life that is fully without pain nor one with all pain just one that is easier for me to deal with.  But the world of delusions is not just the road my father is taking but one I am taking as well.

     I have been on a road of depression all my life and that can lead you down roads of self delusion along with feeling so lost that no one wants to find you.  I wonder if Father is feeling lost and alone even though we visit him along with making sure we say we love.  Well I should say my Mother does because I cannot say I love you Dad which makes me feel like a bad Daughter.  I'm told that it doesn't make me one but how can I say I love my Father to everyone else but him and not be a bad Daughter?  I don't think you can and yet I find myself wondering why it is that I cannot say those simple words to him.  Those precious words he's heard from my Sister that he cannot hear from me must hurt him deeply.  How does one whom hurt their loving parent be a good child?  I'm not a good person all the time and most would tell you that is a lie but the lie is the one I portray to others which is a skill I had learned long ago from people whom turned my world of trust into millions of broken piece's.  Ever since then my trust has never been fully restored nor will it be and it is my belief that is shouldn't be because if it were my trust won't be the same as it once was due changing in me.

      It started out so subtle that you chalk it up to just getting older but then it shows its head more and more until you no longer can ignore it.  Your loved one is now walking the road of dementia that can lead to Alzheimer's or other disease of the mind.  I first was exposed with my Grandmother whom on January 21, 2011 we lost her to Alzheimer's and part of me was grateful she passed still knowing the man she loved and was married to for 63 1/2 years.  Most would not say that is something to be happy about but for me I'm very grateful she never forgot him or my Mom.  Remembering someone you love is a precious gift that not all of us see until ti is too late.  I don't want it to be too late for us but it is too late for us to form a better relationship as Father and Daughter which is partly my own fault because I didn't try to repair this relationship sooner.  We tend to think we always have plenty of time to make things right but in truth we don't for not only can death come at any moment so can the disease of the mind.

     Time slips through your fingers like fine sand but that is never ending unlike our lives on Earth.  We can only take each day and live that day with those you love for you never truly know what will take that person away from you.  When one's mind starts fading they begin to slowly leave you and then before you know it and then one regrets not saying what they should have said years prior.  Saying what you need to say to someone can allow you to not face a regret that can never be corrected which is what I face with my Father.  We walked along side each other yet we were on different paths that seemed to never quite connect us to each other like it did for my siblings.  So if you have the opportunity to tell someone what you need them to hear just do it whether they appreciate it or not you have released it for the universe to take in.
   

Chapter Four:Fading away from me.

Slowly fading.

     A week ago my life once again shattered as my Father took a fall that normally would be nothing for most people but for him it took a lot out of his body and soul.  We had Mom in the hospital for three days and a rehab a week getting a IV antibiotic for her legs but she was not as bad as Dad.  My Father broke his hip and they had to replace it but he's not really woke up long enough to hold a conversation with and that is scary for all of us.  He's fading away before our eyes and on top of this other things have come to light.

     Today we found out my Uncle is now in the final stages of Alzheimer's which makes life more dark for those around us.  It means his life too is about to end and my feelings are that I will either lose my Father first or Uncle first but both within a short time of each other.  Not something I want to feel and yes, I want to fade away myself instead of watching them fade.

     We saw Father today and it was emotional trainwreck for Mom but I on other hand really didn't react to it all and I wonder if it due to the lack of a strong bond between him and I.  He called home saying they were releasing him and sad things was they were not until his kidney infection is cleared and he can put weight on the leg.  I wish I could cry that way it would show some signs of my love for him.  I do truly love him but there is a part of me that wonders if I feel that love Father's and Daughter's have for each other.  It is that I mourn the loss of?  The chance to have the warm loving bond one should have with a parent.  I honestly cannot say because I know that not all parents are loving one's and like any human being can take the life of their child as easily as the child can that of the parent.  Which one logical conclusion for me is that being related by blood doesn't mean you'll always have that bond that will never do you harm.

     Last night or should say early this morning I came to realize the maybe I mourn the loss of not ever being able to get close to him now that it can never happen.  Isn't it strange what people will mourn for and I mean for the things that are not living but for the things we wanted in life.  We don't always get what we want and it is often unfair but I cannot help but feel that is a punishment for something that I did.  I do not know what it was that I did to deserve this punishment but if I knew what it was I would try my best to make things right.  But how can you do that when they are fading away each day with each breath you take?  Answer, you cannot but just take it one day at a time and be grateful they are a part of you and always will be no matter how much time passes and what happens in life.