Chapter Five:State of Delusions.

Road of Delusions.

    The phone rings and Mother answers it to hear my Father's voice but it is not going to be a pleasant conversation I was to find out after she hangs up with tears following down her cheeks.  My Father called to say, 'I'm alive and I mean literally we had some bombs go off and someone is trying to kill me.'  My Father whom is a rehab facility is recovering from a shatter femur bone near the hip.  My mind went into overdrive mode and then crashed into the wall of despair for which I have been finding myself running into allot these days.  How can this be happening?  Simple, it is.  Why?  There is no answer for that and I'm trying to understand that there never will be a true answer to why.  A hard life or easy one is always filled with both good and bad in it because no one is immune but when you feel that life is always a hard one you want to have a time when it becomes a bit easier.  I'm not asking for a life that is fully without pain nor one with all pain just one that is easier for me to deal with.  But the world of delusions is not just the road my father is taking but one I am taking as well.

     I have been on a road of depression all my life and that can lead you down roads of self delusion along with feeling so lost that no one wants to find you.  I wonder if Father is feeling lost and alone even though we visit him along with making sure we say we love.  Well I should say my Mother does because I cannot say I love you Dad which makes me feel like a bad Daughter.  I'm told that it doesn't make me one but how can I say I love my Father to everyone else but him and not be a bad Daughter?  I don't think you can and yet I find myself wondering why it is that I cannot say those simple words to him.  Those precious words he's heard from my Sister that he cannot hear from me must hurt him deeply.  How does one whom hurt their loving parent be a good child?  I'm not a good person all the time and most would tell you that is a lie but the lie is the one I portray to others which is a skill I had learned long ago from people whom turned my world of trust into millions of broken piece's.  Ever since then my trust has never been fully restored nor will it be and it is my belief that is shouldn't be because if it were my trust won't be the same as it once was due changing in me.

      It started out so subtle that you chalk it up to just getting older but then it shows its head more and more until you no longer can ignore it.  Your loved one is now walking the road of dementia that can lead to Alzheimer's or other disease of the mind.  I first was exposed with my Grandmother whom on January 21, 2011 we lost her to Alzheimer's and part of me was grateful she passed still knowing the man she loved and was married to for 63 1/2 years.  Most would not say that is something to be happy about but for me I'm very grateful she never forgot him or my Mom.  Remembering someone you love is a precious gift that not all of us see until ti is too late.  I don't want it to be too late for us but it is too late for us to form a better relationship as Father and Daughter which is partly my own fault because I didn't try to repair this relationship sooner.  We tend to think we always have plenty of time to make things right but in truth we don't for not only can death come at any moment so can the disease of the mind.

     Time slips through your fingers like fine sand but that is never ending unlike our lives on Earth.  We can only take each day and live that day with those you love for you never truly know what will take that person away from you.  When one's mind starts fading they begin to slowly leave you and then before you know it and then one regrets not saying what they should have said years prior.  Saying what you need to say to someone can allow you to not face a regret that can never be corrected which is what I face with my Father.  We walked along side each other yet we were on different paths that seemed to never quite connect us to each other like it did for my siblings.  So if you have the opportunity to tell someone what you need them to hear just do it whether they appreciate it or not you have released it for the universe to take in.