Chapter Seven:Loss of time!

Losing time.

     One day you were in the same time as we were but then suddenly your time was off kilter from ours  separating us from each other.  I keep searching to see if we cannot find the same path  again but alas that which has a hold of your mind will not allow it.  I scream in a hateful tone how much this is so unfair.  I hate, hate, hate, and that hate can devour my very soul.  I do not want to feel hate for something I cannot touch with my hand.  How do you fight something only seen through an autopsy?  You cannot until we advance the field of science that is trying to find a cure for this horrid disease.  I want to take it in my hands and rip it to shreds as it has ripped my life into tiny pieces of chaos.  My Grandmother had this and now my Uncle and Father are its latest victims.  How come?  Why them?  WHY?  That is one word I hate and I know that I have stated that before but my hatred for the word why is growing.  Each time we lose a piece of him is more time stolen away from us that can never be recaptured.

     I barely remember how you used to be now because the time has been erased from my own mind because the new you have rewritten its self.  Time goes on leaving our imprints behind but they are fading with each step I take by your side.  Why am I losing time too?  Why does anyone have to lose time at all?  It stinks, stinks, and I want to be rid of this stench.  My tears have flowed so much in the past that they no longer are able to be released.  I'm worn like old pages of a book from a hundred years ago that time has not been kind too.  Perhaps it was not time that wasn't kind but the keeper of the book itself.  I as my own keeper have not been too kind not only to myself but to you, Father.  Is that why we are walking a path where you are losing time of yourself?  I thought all the tears were dried up and gone for good but as I sit here typing this those tears are flowing without signs of stopping.  Why?  Why?  I so want to scream until I no longer have a voice but I again corked that up.

     Do you remember when you first saw Mom?  Do you remember what went through your mind as you look up the face of your future wife?  Those are precious memories that I can never have about someone in my life because I shall never have the kind of love you both have for each other.  It is tragic that you are losing those memories.  Once gone they can never be found again and we are left without the thread to tie the past to what is yet to come.  We are walking but your steps are falling ever more behind although I have slowed my own.  Where will this path lead?  Only one place will this path lead and that is your death along with our sorrow of grief.  Why must we slowly lose you to a disease we cannot see, cannot understand, and cannot kill?  I want this disease dead forever but that won't happen in time to regain the person we are losing each day to this horrific disease.

     Slipping through the hands of time, are the memories that can never be recovered and even I am forgetting the memories of how you used to be.  Yesterday you tried to take a shower on your own but ended up falling out of the shower.  Thankfully you did not hurt yourself but my anger rose because in my heart I want you able to take a simple shower on your own.  Doing simple things is something we take advantage of until we lose the ability to do them.  I never thought that I would want you to be able to do those simple things again.  This disease took more then your memories, personality, and comprehension it took away the function of your body too.  Are you living the life you want to live?  Part of me feels that if it were me I would say, no, you are not.  How did we get here?  Can we move on from here?  Only time will tell me or not.  Life is a story we write with each breath we take and new story lines await us upon the blank pages of tomorrow.  Tomorrow we will write another piece of our story and even when you leave this world we will continue to write our story with you in it.  You are a part of our story and always will be the Father, husband, Son, and Brother we all love.  Nothing will erase that from our stories not even Alzheimer's, Dementia, or Death.