Chapter Three:Impact upon those whom are the memory.

Struggling.

     One day I awoke with a startle because the world I went to sleep to that night was broken even more then I thought it could break.  My Grandmother called me a liar, my Father called my Mother a liar, and here I was unable to say you're not the person you were once before because now something has invaded your minds.  We began walking the path of becoming the memory to those we love and in the process of our walking the rocky road we struggle with words we cannot say for they would fall upon someone whom didn't realize their minds were being attacked.  My words are starting to set me free but his mind is keeping from fully expressing what he needs to express.  How can this be happening to us again?  Why does anyone have to suffer with a disease of the mind?  Questions flow on forever never finding the answers we need right now.  But in time I believe they will eventually find an answer however that comes when those I love today are long gone along with myself.

   My Grandmother laid there peacefully in her bed as I walked in to check on her it was as if she was asleep but this time she was not breathing nor did she have a beating heart.  I was not afraid of finding her deceased because this was not the first time I realized a Grandparent was no more.  We called the hospice nurse whom came over and whom called the mortuary to come pick up my Grandma.  He was the same man whom picked up my late Grandfather.  He placed my Grandmother onto the gurney with the same gentleness as he did for my Grandfather.  It was not a dead person to him but a dear loved one whom deserved to still have respect as they had in life.  He looked down upon her face remembering when he helped her with Granddad's cremation and the warmth in his expression made me feel that she was looking down with the same warmth at us.  My faith is Spiritualism where I believe our Spirit lives onward long after our bones vanish from where they lay.  My Grandparents were the same way and so was my Father but the last few years I felt that he wants to no longer be inside his physical being.  His physical is breaking down to the point his legs do not work the way he would like them too.  It saddens us that he no longer can play the game of golf he loved so much.  There are times his face appears to be blank as if he can no longer escape from his prison'd body and escaping through death is his only way.

     It is getting harder and harder not to see Grandma's journey in his eyes as he too walks the same path she did.  I want to run, run, and keep running but these chains are more binding than any chain I forged years ago because he's my Father I cannot leave him to walk this journey alone.  Yet he is walking it alone for my mind is not like his nor shall it ever be that we all have our own journey's and challenge's life to face.  I am not sure if I am ready for this challenge but I am walking.

   

Chapter Two:New memories to keep.

A Father and Daughter.

     I grew up with both my biological parents whom after 51 years of marriage are still together today.  In fact as I type this they are both asleep and being good which is the only time anyone in our family behave's themselves.  I'm close to my Mother but Dad well, he's a different story altogether.  You might say if you pick up your child and that child cries just about every time you hold her there is a good chance feelings get hurt.  It was a rocky start that continue's to this day but there is not a doubt that I love my Father very much.  Now we are facing two family member's with Alzheimer's but I can only tell you about one whom is my Father.  My Uncle his younger brother was diagnosed a couple of years ago who doesn't live with us so I cannot comment on how his journey is going.  But my Dad even though he is not been diagnosed he's showing the same signs that Grandma had which makes this one roller coaster ride I want to get off.  Unfortunately that is not going to happen until death comes around once again to take another loved one from us.  I hate feeling that I have to wish for someone's death in order for them to once again find a way to be whom they once were.  Before this attacked their bodies robbing them of not just their mind but whom they are as a person.Their personalities changes so much that you don't even recognize the person any longer which makes you feel both sadden and angry.  I am angry at something that is onlyseen under a microscope after one dies in order to truly determine whether it be Alzheimer's or not.  Either way anything that attacks your mind makes you a victim and those around you as well.  I HATE THIS!  Why?  I cannot nor can Doctor's answer that question which is frequently asked the more I see my Father slipping away.

     I mentioned that I was not that close to my Dad and growing up I always felt like his invisible child because he didn't know how to relate to me as he second Daughter.  It was not his fault but back then I blamed him for not trying to get close or even do things with me as he did with my Older Sister and Younger Brother.  We did have one thing we both loved doing together and that was fishing although I did not eat fish and still don't I love the catch them with him.  Looking back I can see how we both tried and then we gave up on trying to understand the bridge we built that keep us apart.  Life may happen but there is one thing that never changes is that we determine how our own life story is written through actions taken and untaken.  I find myself now wanting to tear down the bridge that separates us but it is too late now for his mind will not allow him to understand why I need to find my way to being a seen Daughter.  How sad it makes me feel that he won't be able to fully see me while he's alive although in my faith I believe once we pass we will for the first time truly see those whom we love without our false masks.

     I probably should not let this bother me so but when you feel like an invisible child whom is now facing the reality he may truly forget you due to his mind it is very hard to let it go.  How can you let go of something that you cannot resolve when the person is still alive?  I don't have that answer and not truly should be something that bothers me or not.  Now we are hitting what I call you're a liar phase which is harder to watch my Father accusing my Mother of lying to him.  How hard it must be for my Mother whom is watching the man she loves accuse of her lying when in all the 51 years of marriage she has never done.  At times like these one would ask, 'Why God?'  Why not him or anyone whom faces an illness but yet an illness that affects the mind is one of the hardest ones to deal with because they can not see how they are acting anymore.  The chaos becomes the norm replacing the logical and even the personality as well and that is the hardest part to accept that they are no longer the person you know.

     This week has been a bad week for our family because my Father's mind gets so frustrated to the point we become his victims.  In all my life I have never saw him get so angry at my Mother and truly believe she would ever lie to him but this week he did.  He called me a liar but that is how he has always treated me in the past.  I'm used to him treating me like that but not how he's treating Mom and is breaks my heart to see him treat the love of his life like that.  I'm struggling with wanting him released from this disease through death but that feels so selfish of me.
    

Chapter One: Journey of being their memory through the eyes of a Daughter/Granddaughter.

Memory locket

     It was a warm summer night when I first came into this world of ours 46 years ago and thus began my journey of life.  I was born to a wonderful and slightly dysfunctional family which for the most part keeps one on their toes and laughing in stitches most of the time.  It was not until I was 34 when we lost my Grandfather to cancer at the age of 88.  He was married to my Grandmother for 63 1/2 years which is amaze's my mind to this day because most of my generation is more likely to divorce before their tenth anniversary but there are those whom last and that is a beautiful sight to see.  My Grandparents were and still are the best two people in my world.  But it wasn't too long after Granddad's death when I began to notice that Grandma's mind was not as sharp as it used be but like most people you shake it off to old age.  It was several years later on a day that I shall never forget when she called me a liar that I realized illness began to show his ugly head.  My Grandmother never had doubted my word for she was well aware how much I hated lying and when she said that I was a flat out liar my world changed within one heart beat.  What happened?  Where was the Grandmother whom trusted me?   On her next Doctor's visit I was told she was showing signs of  of dementia which can lead to Alzheimer's.  It was the first step for my whole in our journey of Alzheimer's.

     Most feel that one my age cannot get Alzheimer's in truth any disease doesn't care what age, gender, race, or whether human or not.  All that is required is a body to spread through like wildfire.  Now it hit my our family targeting my Grandmother.  The first signs were so minor that one would not even think about it being dementia or having the onset of Alzheimer's.  As I research I learned that paranoia was part of this disease and some came her paranoia phase that hit like a ton of bricks.  That remained for the next ten years of her life until her death.  Her blank stares become the hardest to watch because it felt like a empty shell was just sitting there without anyone inside.  What made it harder for her was she keep losing her eyesight more and more as time went on.  The last four years of her life she moved across the way from us which I didn't like but yet I did.  It gave me a chance to have some time to myself but the thought of her dying over there all alone in that small trailer scared me.  I didn't want her to die alone because no one should die alone as long as there is someone that loves them near by.  Thankfully about three months before she passed we finally got her to move back in with us which was a relief.  Funny how I never thought that I could be around a dead body because I never felt strong enough to handle that but after Grandpa's death seeing him so peaceful not so bad as I thought but watching my Alzheimer's slow kill of my Grandmother was far harder then one ever realizes.

     Grandma would have good days where she seemed like her old self in the beginning but by the time of Granddad's 8th death anniversary those days were getting fewer and fewer.  I became the nice lady whom came over to clean her place and do her laundry.  I thought maybe this is due her not being able see well or able to hear me as well since her hearing was going on top of everything else.  Her blank stares came around more often and sensing the stillness with her mind at those times I felt helpless to pull her back into our world..  I was losing more and more of her which began my visual of wishing for her death.  Not something most people would think a person would go through for someone they love dearly in life but seeing them slowly die away you yearn to have them whole again and only death can do that.  It made me feel so cold that nothing can warm my heart again because I was wanting death to come for her.  My path as a empath also made it more difficult for me because I would sense her slipping away into a dark room without knowing how she ended up there making her feel all alone.

        Fast forward to January 21, 2011 my Grandmother finally rejoined her husband in death which was and still is bitter sweet.  She is now whole again and healthy but for us left behind we miss their voice, touch, and hugs.  I'm happy she now can see again and knows the whole truth but I'm sadden that I cannot see her in the physical body any longer.  I feel her and Granddad all around me each time I need them, their love grows stronger to let me know that is the one true thing that never dies.  She lived nine years after Granddad and the one true blessing she had was that she never forgot her husband of 63 1/2 years.  Most people forget their loved ones when facing Alzheimer's but she was fortunate to remember the love her life.

     I had to be her memory and through the family genealogy I could do just through the names and stories that go with them I can remember her life along with Granddad's.  My Genealogy keeps our stories alive long after we leave this Earth and that is one reason why I do it to keep them alive in this world a while longer.  Many may not think it is important but I want the next generation to know how lucky they are to be born to our family.  We walk on each day with their dna within our bodies so why not their memories of way back when you were not born yet.  I cannot think of a reason can you?  Hugs and until chapter two.