Chapter Two:New memories to keep.

A Father and Daughter.

     I grew up with both my biological parents whom after 51 years of marriage are still together today.  In fact as I type this they are both asleep and being good which is the only time anyone in our family behave's themselves.  I'm close to my Mother but Dad well, he's a different story altogether.  You might say if you pick up your child and that child cries just about every time you hold her there is a good chance feelings get hurt.  It was a rocky start that continue's to this day but there is not a doubt that I love my Father very much.  Now we are facing two family member's with Alzheimer's but I can only tell you about one whom is my Father.  My Uncle his younger brother was diagnosed a couple of years ago who doesn't live with us so I cannot comment on how his journey is going.  But my Dad even though he is not been diagnosed he's showing the same signs that Grandma had which makes this one roller coaster ride I want to get off.  Unfortunately that is not going to happen until death comes around once again to take another loved one from us.  I hate feeling that I have to wish for someone's death in order for them to once again find a way to be whom they once were.  Before this attacked their bodies robbing them of not just their mind but whom they are as a person.Their personalities changes so much that you don't even recognize the person any longer which makes you feel both sadden and angry.  I am angry at something that is onlyseen under a microscope after one dies in order to truly determine whether it be Alzheimer's or not.  Either way anything that attacks your mind makes you a victim and those around you as well.  I HATE THIS!  Why?  I cannot nor can Doctor's answer that question which is frequently asked the more I see my Father slipping away.

     I mentioned that I was not that close to my Dad and growing up I always felt like his invisible child because he didn't know how to relate to me as he second Daughter.  It was not his fault but back then I blamed him for not trying to get close or even do things with me as he did with my Older Sister and Younger Brother.  We did have one thing we both loved doing together and that was fishing although I did not eat fish and still don't I love the catch them with him.  Looking back I can see how we both tried and then we gave up on trying to understand the bridge we built that keep us apart.  Life may happen but there is one thing that never changes is that we determine how our own life story is written through actions taken and untaken.  I find myself now wanting to tear down the bridge that separates us but it is too late now for his mind will not allow him to understand why I need to find my way to being a seen Daughter.  How sad it makes me feel that he won't be able to fully see me while he's alive although in my faith I believe once we pass we will for the first time truly see those whom we love without our false masks.

     I probably should not let this bother me so but when you feel like an invisible child whom is now facing the reality he may truly forget you due to his mind it is very hard to let it go.  How can you let go of something that you cannot resolve when the person is still alive?  I don't have that answer and not truly should be something that bothers me or not.  Now we are hitting what I call you're a liar phase which is harder to watch my Father accusing my Mother of lying to him.  How hard it must be for my Mother whom is watching the man she loves accuse of her lying when in all the 51 years of marriage she has never done.  At times like these one would ask, 'Why God?'  Why not him or anyone whom faces an illness but yet an illness that affects the mind is one of the hardest ones to deal with because they can not see how they are acting anymore.  The chaos becomes the norm replacing the logical and even the personality as well and that is the hardest part to accept that they are no longer the person you know.

     This week has been a bad week for our family because my Father's mind gets so frustrated to the point we become his victims.  In all my life I have never saw him get so angry at my Mother and truly believe she would ever lie to him but this week he did.  He called me a liar but that is how he has always treated me in the past.  I'm used to him treating me like that but not how he's treating Mom and is breaks my heart to see him treat the love of his life like that.  I'm struggling with wanting him released from this disease through death but that feels so selfish of me.