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| Burnt Passages. |
In a blink of an eye I find myself walking in 2016 with paths that no one ever imagines they would be walking. Here I am trying to keep my balance but I am severely failing and find myself on the burnt ashes covering the ground. Yet if you were to ask me if I regret being here then you might be surprised at what my answer would be, my answer is a no, I do not regret being here. It should not surprise those who know me because my love will always squash regret. Your words, 'I didn't make any sacrifice's your Mom did,' hit me hard because you made them also. I was not raised by Mom alone you were there by her side through good and bad times. You made the sacrifice's you were not even aware of and for that I am thankful. However,67 I truly wish that we could have been the kind of Father and Daughter that was not an nb oil and water relationship. I could have done more to bring you closer to me but I did keep you at arms length and now our chance to become closer is lost forever. That is the regret I have and shall always carry until my own times comes to a end. When I was a child adults were not that difficult for me to figure out because I never really thought or felt like I was a child which made our relationship hard to build. I now know that it wasn't a matter of me feeling like a child or adult but that I simply could see through other people's masks. I wasn't allowed to fall for the masks we wear around others in order to protect whatever it is we want to protect. People called me arrogant because of it but how was I supposed to know that normal humans could not sense another's emotions or thoughts. Imagine finding out that you are more weirder then what your fellow classmates thought you were. It was a eye opener and that was one reason I began to withdraw from them and you. As time went on those memories became my own burnt passages of my life.
Last year we lost Uncle Monte to Alzheimer's and five years ago we lost Grandma to it which made me feel like we were being kicked in the teeth. This disease took them away for years before their last breaths. I wonder if other people can truly know what it is like watching someone with a dementia disease every day. I doubt it and the medical profession only knows the scientific's behind the disease unless they have taken care of a loved one they cannot understand the true nature of the disease. Even though we went through this with Grandma I am finding it is different from hers. I guess that is because you are not Grandma and you are much worse then she was.
Months have gone by since I started this chapter and your mind at times doesn't recognize me as your Daughter anymore. The realization has hit me hard that my head finally accepts that we will no longer be able to mend a broken bond that we never had or tried to make. As I sit by your side thoughts of what could have been run like a ravaging river taking your memories with it. You keep asking me questions that you would ask someone you just met and yet you have known me for 49 years of my life. You gave me life and saw me come into this world but now it is like I'm either a stranger or someone else you know. How can this be?
I look at you to see a child like man sitting there and I wonder where the strong father that I looked up to went. I guess we all grow up thinking how strong our Fathers are and that it won't ever change. You are a mere shell now with small memories peaking through here and there but only for a small brief moment. Now I'm someone who you would see when you went back to Michigan for the summers. Where is the memory of me gone? It appears that the memory of your second Daughter is gone forever which breaks my heart and making my job as your caregiver harder.
The path of a caregiver for someone with dementia or Alzheimer's is a rough road to walk and you will be tested to the point you want to walk away. You are in your chair fast asleep and I'm am saying softly to let it all go but yet part of my heart feels it more for my sake then yours. I want you to be free from a mind that is not allowing you to be who you once were. But I still struggle if my wanting your release is for you or myself. I want to believe that it is for you more then myself but I cannot help but feel it is more for me. I feel you should be released from this awful disease because I feel we should not keep seeing you disappear more and more each day.
On September 29th you had your 78th birthday and most people wouldn't be thankful for a birthday especially a good birthday like you had. I am grateful that your day went well and even though you insisted that you were 77 everything else was a good day for you. We all live our lives without thinking that someday we too may have to have another be our memory. If only you could have been allowed to keep your own memory in tact. But you were not and even though that makes it harder on us we shall not abandon you because we love you. Many would abandon a loved one to a nursing home or just never see you again but for us as long as we can care for you we shall. We care for you not because we are a Wife, Daughters, and Son we do it because our love for you is stronger then what life as dealt us. We may not have always been close but I never once stopped loving you and that won't change even long after I am gone.
The end of this story has yet to be written but it won't end with your death because many of families will have someone who has Alzheimer's, dementia, and Parkinson's. They will continue this journey of a caregiver and many will face the same things we did with you. The Story of dementia will go on until the day comes when we have a cure for it other then death. Even though the path of a caregiver is a hard one you will have many fellow caregivers walking by your side fighting against the disease that is talking their loved one. Doesn't matter what disease or if you are a caregiver that is related by blood or not because those who are caregivers give a gift no other can give. Caregiver gives the gift of unconditional love, support, and is willing to become the keeper of your memories. That is what I have become and I'm glad that I will keep those memories alive as long as I am allowed to. I didn't choose this path but neither did you Dad and I thank you for giving the gift of my life despite our not being close part of you knows I love you but you'll never know just how much I do love you. When you are released life will go on for me and your memory will live on through our family and the words I have scattered among the winds of time.
l
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