Chapter Seven:Loss of time!

Losing time.

     One day you were in the same time as we were but then suddenly your time was off kilter from ours  separating us from each other.  I keep searching to see if we cannot find the same path  again but alas that which has a hold of your mind will not allow it.  I scream in a hateful tone how much this is so unfair.  I hate, hate, hate, and that hate can devour my very soul.  I do not want to feel hate for something I cannot touch with my hand.  How do you fight something only seen through an autopsy?  You cannot until we advance the field of science that is trying to find a cure for this horrid disease.  I want to take it in my hands and rip it to shreds as it has ripped my life into tiny pieces of chaos.  My Grandmother had this and now my Uncle and Father are its latest victims.  How come?  Why them?  WHY?  That is one word I hate and I know that I have stated that before but my hatred for the word why is growing.  Each time we lose a piece of him is more time stolen away from us that can never be recaptured.

     I barely remember how you used to be now because the time has been erased from my own mind because the new you have rewritten its self.  Time goes on leaving our imprints behind but they are fading with each step I take by your side.  Why am I losing time too?  Why does anyone have to lose time at all?  It stinks, stinks, and I want to be rid of this stench.  My tears have flowed so much in the past that they no longer are able to be released.  I'm worn like old pages of a book from a hundred years ago that time has not been kind too.  Perhaps it was not time that wasn't kind but the keeper of the book itself.  I as my own keeper have not been too kind not only to myself but to you, Father.  Is that why we are walking a path where you are losing time of yourself?  I thought all the tears were dried up and gone for good but as I sit here typing this those tears are flowing without signs of stopping.  Why?  Why?  I so want to scream until I no longer have a voice but I again corked that up.

     Do you remember when you first saw Mom?  Do you remember what went through your mind as you look up the face of your future wife?  Those are precious memories that I can never have about someone in my life because I shall never have the kind of love you both have for each other.  It is tragic that you are losing those memories.  Once gone they can never be found again and we are left without the thread to tie the past to what is yet to come.  We are walking but your steps are falling ever more behind although I have slowed my own.  Where will this path lead?  Only one place will this path lead and that is your death along with our sorrow of grief.  Why must we slowly lose you to a disease we cannot see, cannot understand, and cannot kill?  I want this disease dead forever but that won't happen in time to regain the person we are losing each day to this horrific disease.

     Slipping through the hands of time, are the memories that can never be recovered and even I am forgetting the memories of how you used to be.  Yesterday you tried to take a shower on your own but ended up falling out of the shower.  Thankfully you did not hurt yourself but my anger rose because in my heart I want you able to take a simple shower on your own.  Doing simple things is something we take advantage of until we lose the ability to do them.  I never thought that I would want you to be able to do those simple things again.  This disease took more then your memories, personality, and comprehension it took away the function of your body too.  Are you living the life you want to live?  Part of me feels that if it were me I would say, no, you are not.  How did we get here?  Can we move on from here?  Only time will tell me or not.  Life is a story we write with each breath we take and new story lines await us upon the blank pages of tomorrow.  Tomorrow we will write another piece of our story and even when you leave this world we will continue to write our story with you in it.  You are a part of our story and always will be the Father, husband, Son, and Brother we all love.  Nothing will erase that from our stories not even Alzheimer's, Dementia, or Death.

Chapter Six:Home coming!

Going home again.

     A few months have passed since we brought Dad home and that was a surprising yet strange day for me at least.  Now begins our new journey that will lead me to either actually ending up in a padded cell or wishing I were in one.  Yeah, I said that same thing twice basically there but you know what is hard to see someone you care about not remember how to work simple things he's worked for twenty years and that part scares you for two reasons.  One reason is the realization his getting worse without any hope of getting better, two is that you see just how easily you can end up upon the same path as him.

     I never thought he would admit to being a burden on us and that he should have stayed in the nursing home/rehab facility.  When did things start going backwards?  How come I can not reverse  things to make them how they used to be?  Because the law of physic's says so and that stinks.  My Father and I may not have ever truly gotten along very well but that doesn't mean that I wished something like this to attack him.  It is a full blown attack upon him taking us as victims too.

     Words flow through the pages of time lasting longer than a single breath escaping thou lips.  A memory shatters when the words become broken upon the surface of our minds eye.  My heart skips a beat while trying to hold back a flood of tears.  How much more of this path can I take?  I don't know but I won't give up nor shall I leave you alone with this.  I hate thinking you should never have come home to us because you would be better off crossing over to the other side.  To be free from this disease would be wonderful but that isn't going to happen in my lifetime nor yours sadly.  Why do we walk these awful roads?  I shall never know because I am not meant to know the answer to that question right now.  How is it that we find ourselves seeking what is out of our reach?  I want to reach the unknown world and grab the cure for you and for Mom.  She has her husbands body home but his mind is never going to return to her as it once was.  It is hard breaking knowing that you both have been together for 53 years now and she is celebrating a anniversary you cannot remember.  I want to give her the best present ever which is a fully restored husband but I can only stand by her and your side as we continue to walk this path.

Chapter Five:State of Delusions.

Road of Delusions.

    The phone rings and Mother answers it to hear my Father's voice but it is not going to be a pleasant conversation I was to find out after she hangs up with tears following down her cheeks.  My Father called to say, 'I'm alive and I mean literally we had some bombs go off and someone is trying to kill me.'  My Father whom is a rehab facility is recovering from a shatter femur bone near the hip.  My mind went into overdrive mode and then crashed into the wall of despair for which I have been finding myself running into allot these days.  How can this be happening?  Simple, it is.  Why?  There is no answer for that and I'm trying to understand that there never will be a true answer to why.  A hard life or easy one is always filled with both good and bad in it because no one is immune but when you feel that life is always a hard one you want to have a time when it becomes a bit easier.  I'm not asking for a life that is fully without pain nor one with all pain just one that is easier for me to deal with.  But the world of delusions is not just the road my father is taking but one I am taking as well.

     I have been on a road of depression all my life and that can lead you down roads of self delusion along with feeling so lost that no one wants to find you.  I wonder if Father is feeling lost and alone even though we visit him along with making sure we say we love.  Well I should say my Mother does because I cannot say I love you Dad which makes me feel like a bad Daughter.  I'm told that it doesn't make me one but how can I say I love my Father to everyone else but him and not be a bad Daughter?  I don't think you can and yet I find myself wondering why it is that I cannot say those simple words to him.  Those precious words he's heard from my Sister that he cannot hear from me must hurt him deeply.  How does one whom hurt their loving parent be a good child?  I'm not a good person all the time and most would tell you that is a lie but the lie is the one I portray to others which is a skill I had learned long ago from people whom turned my world of trust into millions of broken piece's.  Ever since then my trust has never been fully restored nor will it be and it is my belief that is shouldn't be because if it were my trust won't be the same as it once was due changing in me.

      It started out so subtle that you chalk it up to just getting older but then it shows its head more and more until you no longer can ignore it.  Your loved one is now walking the road of dementia that can lead to Alzheimer's or other disease of the mind.  I first was exposed with my Grandmother whom on January 21, 2011 we lost her to Alzheimer's and part of me was grateful she passed still knowing the man she loved and was married to for 63 1/2 years.  Most would not say that is something to be happy about but for me I'm very grateful she never forgot him or my Mom.  Remembering someone you love is a precious gift that not all of us see until ti is too late.  I don't want it to be too late for us but it is too late for us to form a better relationship as Father and Daughter which is partly my own fault because I didn't try to repair this relationship sooner.  We tend to think we always have plenty of time to make things right but in truth we don't for not only can death come at any moment so can the disease of the mind.

     Time slips through your fingers like fine sand but that is never ending unlike our lives on Earth.  We can only take each day and live that day with those you love for you never truly know what will take that person away from you.  When one's mind starts fading they begin to slowly leave you and then before you know it and then one regrets not saying what they should have said years prior.  Saying what you need to say to someone can allow you to not face a regret that can never be corrected which is what I face with my Father.  We walked along side each other yet we were on different paths that seemed to never quite connect us to each other like it did for my siblings.  So if you have the opportunity to tell someone what you need them to hear just do it whether they appreciate it or not you have released it for the universe to take in.
   

Chapter Four:Fading away from me.

Slowly fading.

     A week ago my life once again shattered as my Father took a fall that normally would be nothing for most people but for him it took a lot out of his body and soul.  We had Mom in the hospital for three days and a rehab a week getting a IV antibiotic for her legs but she was not as bad as Dad.  My Father broke his hip and they had to replace it but he's not really woke up long enough to hold a conversation with and that is scary for all of us.  He's fading away before our eyes and on top of this other things have come to light.

     Today we found out my Uncle is now in the final stages of Alzheimer's which makes life more dark for those around us.  It means his life too is about to end and my feelings are that I will either lose my Father first or Uncle first but both within a short time of each other.  Not something I want to feel and yes, I want to fade away myself instead of watching them fade.

     We saw Father today and it was emotional trainwreck for Mom but I on other hand really didn't react to it all and I wonder if it due to the lack of a strong bond between him and I.  He called home saying they were releasing him and sad things was they were not until his kidney infection is cleared and he can put weight on the leg.  I wish I could cry that way it would show some signs of my love for him.  I do truly love him but there is a part of me that wonders if I feel that love Father's and Daughter's have for each other.  It is that I mourn the loss of?  The chance to have the warm loving bond one should have with a parent.  I honestly cannot say because I know that not all parents are loving one's and like any human being can take the life of their child as easily as the child can that of the parent.  Which one logical conclusion for me is that being related by blood doesn't mean you'll always have that bond that will never do you harm.

     Last night or should say early this morning I came to realize the maybe I mourn the loss of not ever being able to get close to him now that it can never happen.  Isn't it strange what people will mourn for and I mean for the things that are not living but for the things we wanted in life.  We don't always get what we want and it is often unfair but I cannot help but feel that is a punishment for something that I did.  I do not know what it was that I did to deserve this punishment but if I knew what it was I would try my best to make things right.  But how can you do that when they are fading away each day with each breath you take?  Answer, you cannot but just take it one day at a time and be grateful they are a part of you and always will be no matter how much time passes and what happens in life.

Chapter Three:Impact upon those whom are the memory.

Struggling.

     One day I awoke with a startle because the world I went to sleep to that night was broken even more then I thought it could break.  My Grandmother called me a liar, my Father called my Mother a liar, and here I was unable to say you're not the person you were once before because now something has invaded your minds.  We began walking the path of becoming the memory to those we love and in the process of our walking the rocky road we struggle with words we cannot say for they would fall upon someone whom didn't realize their minds were being attacked.  My words are starting to set me free but his mind is keeping from fully expressing what he needs to express.  How can this be happening to us again?  Why does anyone have to suffer with a disease of the mind?  Questions flow on forever never finding the answers we need right now.  But in time I believe they will eventually find an answer however that comes when those I love today are long gone along with myself.

   My Grandmother laid there peacefully in her bed as I walked in to check on her it was as if she was asleep but this time she was not breathing nor did she have a beating heart.  I was not afraid of finding her deceased because this was not the first time I realized a Grandparent was no more.  We called the hospice nurse whom came over and whom called the mortuary to come pick up my Grandma.  He was the same man whom picked up my late Grandfather.  He placed my Grandmother onto the gurney with the same gentleness as he did for my Grandfather.  It was not a dead person to him but a dear loved one whom deserved to still have respect as they had in life.  He looked down upon her face remembering when he helped her with Granddad's cremation and the warmth in his expression made me feel that she was looking down with the same warmth at us.  My faith is Spiritualism where I believe our Spirit lives onward long after our bones vanish from where they lay.  My Grandparents were the same way and so was my Father but the last few years I felt that he wants to no longer be inside his physical being.  His physical is breaking down to the point his legs do not work the way he would like them too.  It saddens us that he no longer can play the game of golf he loved so much.  There are times his face appears to be blank as if he can no longer escape from his prison'd body and escaping through death is his only way.

     It is getting harder and harder not to see Grandma's journey in his eyes as he too walks the same path she did.  I want to run, run, and keep running but these chains are more binding than any chain I forged years ago because he's my Father I cannot leave him to walk this journey alone.  Yet he is walking it alone for my mind is not like his nor shall it ever be that we all have our own journey's and challenge's life to face.  I am not sure if I am ready for this challenge but I am walking.

   

Chapter Two:New memories to keep.

A Father and Daughter.

     I grew up with both my biological parents whom after 51 years of marriage are still together today.  In fact as I type this they are both asleep and being good which is the only time anyone in our family behave's themselves.  I'm close to my Mother but Dad well, he's a different story altogether.  You might say if you pick up your child and that child cries just about every time you hold her there is a good chance feelings get hurt.  It was a rocky start that continue's to this day but there is not a doubt that I love my Father very much.  Now we are facing two family member's with Alzheimer's but I can only tell you about one whom is my Father.  My Uncle his younger brother was diagnosed a couple of years ago who doesn't live with us so I cannot comment on how his journey is going.  But my Dad even though he is not been diagnosed he's showing the same signs that Grandma had which makes this one roller coaster ride I want to get off.  Unfortunately that is not going to happen until death comes around once again to take another loved one from us.  I hate feeling that I have to wish for someone's death in order for them to once again find a way to be whom they once were.  Before this attacked their bodies robbing them of not just their mind but whom they are as a person.Their personalities changes so much that you don't even recognize the person any longer which makes you feel both sadden and angry.  I am angry at something that is onlyseen under a microscope after one dies in order to truly determine whether it be Alzheimer's or not.  Either way anything that attacks your mind makes you a victim and those around you as well.  I HATE THIS!  Why?  I cannot nor can Doctor's answer that question which is frequently asked the more I see my Father slipping away.

     I mentioned that I was not that close to my Dad and growing up I always felt like his invisible child because he didn't know how to relate to me as he second Daughter.  It was not his fault but back then I blamed him for not trying to get close or even do things with me as he did with my Older Sister and Younger Brother.  We did have one thing we both loved doing together and that was fishing although I did not eat fish and still don't I love the catch them with him.  Looking back I can see how we both tried and then we gave up on trying to understand the bridge we built that keep us apart.  Life may happen but there is one thing that never changes is that we determine how our own life story is written through actions taken and untaken.  I find myself now wanting to tear down the bridge that separates us but it is too late now for his mind will not allow him to understand why I need to find my way to being a seen Daughter.  How sad it makes me feel that he won't be able to fully see me while he's alive although in my faith I believe once we pass we will for the first time truly see those whom we love without our false masks.

     I probably should not let this bother me so but when you feel like an invisible child whom is now facing the reality he may truly forget you due to his mind it is very hard to let it go.  How can you let go of something that you cannot resolve when the person is still alive?  I don't have that answer and not truly should be something that bothers me or not.  Now we are hitting what I call you're a liar phase which is harder to watch my Father accusing my Mother of lying to him.  How hard it must be for my Mother whom is watching the man she loves accuse of her lying when in all the 51 years of marriage she has never done.  At times like these one would ask, 'Why God?'  Why not him or anyone whom faces an illness but yet an illness that affects the mind is one of the hardest ones to deal with because they can not see how they are acting anymore.  The chaos becomes the norm replacing the logical and even the personality as well and that is the hardest part to accept that they are no longer the person you know.

     This week has been a bad week for our family because my Father's mind gets so frustrated to the point we become his victims.  In all my life I have never saw him get so angry at my Mother and truly believe she would ever lie to him but this week he did.  He called me a liar but that is how he has always treated me in the past.  I'm used to him treating me like that but not how he's treating Mom and is breaks my heart to see him treat the love of his life like that.  I'm struggling with wanting him released from this disease through death but that feels so selfish of me.
    

Chapter One: Journey of being their memory through the eyes of a Daughter/Granddaughter.

Memory locket

     It was a warm summer night when I first came into this world of ours 46 years ago and thus began my journey of life.  I was born to a wonderful and slightly dysfunctional family which for the most part keeps one on their toes and laughing in stitches most of the time.  It was not until I was 34 when we lost my Grandfather to cancer at the age of 88.  He was married to my Grandmother for 63 1/2 years which is amaze's my mind to this day because most of my generation is more likely to divorce before their tenth anniversary but there are those whom last and that is a beautiful sight to see.  My Grandparents were and still are the best two people in my world.  But it wasn't too long after Granddad's death when I began to notice that Grandma's mind was not as sharp as it used be but like most people you shake it off to old age.  It was several years later on a day that I shall never forget when she called me a liar that I realized illness began to show his ugly head.  My Grandmother never had doubted my word for she was well aware how much I hated lying and when she said that I was a flat out liar my world changed within one heart beat.  What happened?  Where was the Grandmother whom trusted me?   On her next Doctor's visit I was told she was showing signs of  of dementia which can lead to Alzheimer's.  It was the first step for my whole in our journey of Alzheimer's.

     Most feel that one my age cannot get Alzheimer's in truth any disease doesn't care what age, gender, race, or whether human or not.  All that is required is a body to spread through like wildfire.  Now it hit my our family targeting my Grandmother.  The first signs were so minor that one would not even think about it being dementia or having the onset of Alzheimer's.  As I research I learned that paranoia was part of this disease and some came her paranoia phase that hit like a ton of bricks.  That remained for the next ten years of her life until her death.  Her blank stares become the hardest to watch because it felt like a empty shell was just sitting there without anyone inside.  What made it harder for her was she keep losing her eyesight more and more as time went on.  The last four years of her life she moved across the way from us which I didn't like but yet I did.  It gave me a chance to have some time to myself but the thought of her dying over there all alone in that small trailer scared me.  I didn't want her to die alone because no one should die alone as long as there is someone that loves them near by.  Thankfully about three months before she passed we finally got her to move back in with us which was a relief.  Funny how I never thought that I could be around a dead body because I never felt strong enough to handle that but after Grandpa's death seeing him so peaceful not so bad as I thought but watching my Alzheimer's slow kill of my Grandmother was far harder then one ever realizes.

     Grandma would have good days where she seemed like her old self in the beginning but by the time of Granddad's 8th death anniversary those days were getting fewer and fewer.  I became the nice lady whom came over to clean her place and do her laundry.  I thought maybe this is due her not being able see well or able to hear me as well since her hearing was going on top of everything else.  Her blank stares came around more often and sensing the stillness with her mind at those times I felt helpless to pull her back into our world..  I was losing more and more of her which began my visual of wishing for her death.  Not something most people would think a person would go through for someone they love dearly in life but seeing them slowly die away you yearn to have them whole again and only death can do that.  It made me feel so cold that nothing can warm my heart again because I was wanting death to come for her.  My path as a empath also made it more difficult for me because I would sense her slipping away into a dark room without knowing how she ended up there making her feel all alone.

        Fast forward to January 21, 2011 my Grandmother finally rejoined her husband in death which was and still is bitter sweet.  She is now whole again and healthy but for us left behind we miss their voice, touch, and hugs.  I'm happy she now can see again and knows the whole truth but I'm sadden that I cannot see her in the physical body any longer.  I feel her and Granddad all around me each time I need them, their love grows stronger to let me know that is the one true thing that never dies.  She lived nine years after Granddad and the one true blessing she had was that she never forgot her husband of 63 1/2 years.  Most people forget their loved ones when facing Alzheimer's but she was fortunate to remember the love her life.

     I had to be her memory and through the family genealogy I could do just through the names and stories that go with them I can remember her life along with Granddad's.  My Genealogy keeps our stories alive long after we leave this Earth and that is one reason why I do it to keep them alive in this world a while longer.  Many may not think it is important but I want the next generation to know how lucky they are to be born to our family.  We walk on each day with their dna within our bodies so why not their memories of way back when you were not born yet.  I cannot think of a reason can you?  Hugs and until chapter two.