Chapter Four:Fading away from me.

Slowly fading.

     A week ago my life once again shattered as my Father took a fall that normally would be nothing for most people but for him it took a lot out of his body and soul.  We had Mom in the hospital for three days and a rehab a week getting a IV antibiotic for her legs but she was not as bad as Dad.  My Father broke his hip and they had to replace it but he's not really woke up long enough to hold a conversation with and that is scary for all of us.  He's fading away before our eyes and on top of this other things have come to light.

     Today we found out my Uncle is now in the final stages of Alzheimer's which makes life more dark for those around us.  It means his life too is about to end and my feelings are that I will either lose my Father first or Uncle first but both within a short time of each other.  Not something I want to feel and yes, I want to fade away myself instead of watching them fade.

     We saw Father today and it was emotional trainwreck for Mom but I on other hand really didn't react to it all and I wonder if it due to the lack of a strong bond between him and I.  He called home saying they were releasing him and sad things was they were not until his kidney infection is cleared and he can put weight on the leg.  I wish I could cry that way it would show some signs of my love for him.  I do truly love him but there is a part of me that wonders if I feel that love Father's and Daughter's have for each other.  It is that I mourn the loss of?  The chance to have the warm loving bond one should have with a parent.  I honestly cannot say because I know that not all parents are loving one's and like any human being can take the life of their child as easily as the child can that of the parent.  Which one logical conclusion for me is that being related by blood doesn't mean you'll always have that bond that will never do you harm.

     Last night or should say early this morning I came to realize the maybe I mourn the loss of not ever being able to get close to him now that it can never happen.  Isn't it strange what people will mourn for and I mean for the things that are not living but for the things we wanted in life.  We don't always get what we want and it is often unfair but I cannot help but feel that is a punishment for something that I did.  I do not know what it was that I did to deserve this punishment but if I knew what it was I would try my best to make things right.  But how can you do that when they are fading away each day with each breath you take?  Answer, you cannot but just take it one day at a time and be grateful they are a part of you and always will be no matter how much time passes and what happens in life.